I am typing through a cracked screen that matches my phone’s cracked screen because Mercury retrograde really knows how to kick off the party. Electronic mayhem! Though, this time around, I plan on using this time period to my advantage. I have set so much in motion to better my life and ultimately better Scarlett’s life. So, this time around, I am totally using this period of planetary mischief as the “spring-cleaning” of the habits and reactions I have acquired over the years that serve me no purpose.
Impatience is a big one.
Anger.
Dependence on everything but my own strength to get me through a lonely night.
Confused despair. This is what I call the feeling I get when I feel like nothing will ever get better and just trying to wrap my head around the things I need to improve makes me dizzy. This doesn’t help, for example, when trying to write a cover letter for a job I actually really want or when I am trying to sort out who I have to call for Scarlett next. It is unnecessary and all of it stems from this imaginary control that we have created for ourselves.
There is so much that we can’t control in life. We can only pick it apart and figure out what power we do have. Yeah, not having a job is despairing and scary. Yeah, it sends me into a frenzy of what-ifs. But the only thing I actually have control over is sitting down to write the damn cover letter. Without the letter, the what-ifs don’t even make any sense and all of the fear is realized because, alas, you are still jobless!
It is so strange when you take a step back and poke at the human brain to see the unrealistic methods of strategy and expectation that lie within. Same goes for feelings when dealing with other people. We can’t control anyone and the only things we must consistently do are love ourselves and maintain the little control we have over our own lives. We can’t project that need for control onto anyone else. When we are disappointed, let down, the heart will ache less once you are aware that this was really beyond your control. In situations of fighting or anger, time really will heal all wounds if you are not pushing the other person too much. And when we love ourselves and focus on our own lives, the happier our relationships with others will be.
The biggest thing I have learned is that the only blockage for the light at the end of the tunnel is us. If we think we will always get hurt, we will. If we think we will always be jobless, we will. Etcetera.
I am letting in all of the light, no matter how far down the tunnel I still have to travel. I am enjoying the walk and learning so much and loving so much of myself than I was before.
Usually I write a lot about my daughter but I took a break this week because as I illuminate these corners of my own life, I want others to know they are capable of doing the same. Next week I am planning on doing the whole run-down of the preschool registration process coupled with her first day. Because I also like to let autism moms and dads know that they are capable of doing the same.
It doesn’t take too much to improve the world around us. Really, all it takes is you.
I, Mother 