“And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts,
And I looked and behold: a pale horse.
And his name, that sat on him, was Death.
And Hell followed with him.” – “The Man Comes Around” Johnny Cash
I can’t particularly explain what is happening to me right now. As far as my heart goes, it’s as if for the past year and a half I personally threw it off a cliff and it hit the ground rolling. It rolled and rolled and took a beating while still beating. On Sunday night it stopped rolling, sat up, and looked around. It began to brush itself off and prepared to climb back up on top of the cliff. And then the headlights of a giant semi came out of the darkness and smashed into it, before it even had a chance to stand. A big truck, a visceral splat. And now, after being pressed against the bumper at 75mph for the past 72 hours it has finally fallen off and lies twitching on the curb.
I will spare some details out of fairness. All I can say is that this is an awful feeling. But I’m more heartbroken by the sheer fact that I feel played for a fool. That I trusted someone and they betrayed that trust with the strength of a semi doing 75mph. Knowing I was still rolling down that hill, still struggling, still dealing with pain, guilt. Sometimes even rolling a few feet with me to share in my woes and make sure I didn’t feel alone. But I most definitely was. Because the person I knew for the time that I knew them was simply a character. And sometimes it gets tiring playing a character. You forget lines. You forget to click sign out on your gmail account. You forget the lies you already told and the stories that don’t make sense. And then you just say “fuck it” and jump behind the wheel and begin your mission to completely finish my heart off. You are not nice. You always said it. That wasn’t the character saying it. That was the creature wanting so badly to be himself. But he couldn’t because who would want to socialize with Death?
I can’t really explain what is happening to me right now but what I can say is my heart is still twitching. It’s faint but there is a beat. You can’t kill me. Because where you are Death, I am Life. I dream, I create, I laugh and make others laugh, I know my flaws and truly aim to improve yet embrace who I am. Most importantly I made a life who happens to be the jolliest human being I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.
It is going to take longer to climb back up to where I began. It is going to take a lot of growth to decide not to throw myself off again. I’m going to hate a lot of shit for a bit. But it will wear off. It will fade. And it will still be beating.