I love to remind myself that I am doing everything I can and doing my best at it. I think that we often forget that being human is okay. You sometimes try so hard for something and, no matter what, it turns out to be a grave disappointment. And each time this happens, our instant reaction is to treat it like an isolated incident. We turn inward on ourselves and chip away at part of the very strength that we need to survive tough times, personal issues, and traumatic failures. It’s counter productive and I try so hard not to subscribe to it.
When I said good bye to 2015, I said good bye (sort of) to all of the above. Failure and anguish clouded a lot of what made me fight everyday. Divorce is a terrible experience and I can’t even tell you it is something that ever really ends or goes away. Throw in the mix a rambunctious child who is no doubt confused about the goings-on, a South Slope apartment rent, building a career while working a job, and maintaining sound and happy relationships while feeling like the world is crushing your face. I am so exhausted from it I almost couldn’t believe the year is over.
This week I had a melt down. I looked at my energetic little girl struggling with sleep schedules and behavior and I viciously turned on myself. I cried and blamed myself for everything that has happened. But I realized that I was stronger than that person and after crying it out I forgave myself for whatever hand I had in the insanity. I did everything I could. While somethings may be my own missteps, others are simply out of my control. So it is important to recognize that I am always giving of myself 100% but I also do not have complete control. I can only go on giving 100%, even if at times it’s not going to be enough for a particular situation.
My daughter is happy and healthy. I have allowed myself to love again in spite of recent love lost. I have escalated my career endeavors. Why should I beat myself up? Why should any of us? We are humans that learn and gain wisdom through mistakes, courage through pain, and peace through loss of control. We put so much weight upon ourselves that we forget we aren’t perfect and that the victories we do have are what rise from the ashes of our self doubt.
I remind myself every day that I’m doing the best I can do. That’s how I enjoy life a little bit more.