What a rather peculiar day. Not in the sense that there was any one thing that was peculiar. There were happy moments, sad moments, moments where I kicked myself and moments where I laughed with people who make my heart happy. I am almost just sitting here going, “How did I get here in this chair?”
In fact, this day was simply the epilogue for the past week and a half. A week of thanks. A week of carbohydrate consumption. A week of remaining vertical for the most part. I feel like someone angrily drove a flaming bus directly into my face. Tomorrow, I rest for real. Like really real.
At least I sit here breathing and with blessings to count, even if the good is accompanied by the bad. For example, saying good bye to someone who is still one of the most amazing blessings I have ever received. Or being blessed by great happiness with someone new and wonderful and exciting while experiencing and adjusting to a very different life than I had a year ago. However, I think I have reached a stage in my life where I really need to combine these things, these beautiful bits of love and chaos that currently reside with in me, and turn them all into one great big experience that I am grateful for – my life. And then I can treat the bad with wider open eyes and coping becomes a positive and healthy part of my mentality.
We should all really be looking at our lives as this one great ball of love and chaos and just take everything as it comes, always conscious of the fact that we are breathing. And that breath is all that is between us and not-us. Without it we can’t hug someone we love goodbye, we can’t tell a lover why we are afraid but still reach out to take their hand. Being grateful is part of sustaining our very existence. We should all be so lucky to see it AND put it into practice.
I know I will have another panic attack. I will freak out about something I don’t necessarily want to deal with. I think it is all part of the human condition to deny yourself the enlightenment. And even after enlightened, it still may take me years to truly be more free and more grateful. But we are all capable of reaching that point. I think if we all examined that a little better we could save the fucking world.
Happy Thanksgiving. We have now entered the zone of time in which we are all going to potentially see a lot more people than we normally do. Love, cry, hug, laugh, gossip, sympathize, empathize, all the “thizing” and say “thank you.” And “I love you.” It is imperative that we stop treating ourselves as immortal beings.
Now off to be grateful for my bed, which I will gratefully flop all over and snore into for at least the next 6-8 hours.
*I dedicate this post to my incredible friend Zac. J’adore. You are going to be amazing wherever you are. And I will always be an ear that you can shout your honorable intentions and pains and smiling moments into. It is just more lovely when you are on a couch next to me speaking directly into it. Thank you for being you and for loving me too.*
*Tonight I also learned of the loss of an artist friend, Joshua Emerick. He was a sweet guy and funny to talk to though I don’t know him very, very well. Met at horror conventions, communicated online for the most part. He was extremely talented. We were both experiencing difficult life changes this year and he texted me occasionally just to reach out and say he understood or ask me if I understood. Wish I had the chance to know him a little better, even as Facebook buddies. RIP. I will wear the t-shirt you gave me well. Seriously people, hug the ones you love, and often.*