I wrote this weird little two-part poem just now and I thought I would share it. As part of my breaking out of the razor-blade filled cocoon and becoming the happy little black moth I always was and was meant to me, I have spent a considerable amount of time texting my best friend.
Levi and I are best friends in every sense of the word and I thought I would sum up how I have read all of his advice in the thousands of text messages we have sent the past few months, leading up to even some sage advice this very afternoon. I think reading some of the last things we spoke about, his point all this time really clicked and that is what this is.
I love you, Lee. Thank you. I have two choices. I choose life and happiness. And you are one of the people who make me see how much I really do deserve it.
*I am plain font. Levi is Italics.
…………. Are you up?
What’s the matter with me? My brain keeps running. MAKE IT STOP!
The mind is the most dangerous weapon one can use on themselves, love.
Why am I lying here? Where is my notebook? My artistic hands are atrophied. There is so much more than this.
Do not be troubled, please shut it down. You are pulling your own strings.
When does it change? When does it improve?
My dear, it is changing and improving before your very eyes.
Why can’t I see?
You must choose to accept it for seeing is only taking it in on the surface. Stop fighting against the happiness you so rightly deserve.
Yes, do not let the boogeyman win. Do not let the folly of those who had no idea what they had destroy the happiness in what you have right now.
I have chosen to accept it. I want happiness, not doubt. I want peace, not chaos. I want love, not fear.
Now what is next?
Not of anyone or anything in particular.
The idea that you have control over anything but yourself.
What, then, of my heart?
You have no control over that either.
But it is a part of me, I don’t understand.
It is always a part of someone else, too, therefore you must allow for it to fight its own battles.
You concentrate on all the things that must be righted for you and let your heart do what it needs to do.
All will be well if you want it to be.
You are my best friend, you know that?
Yes, love, and I never want to hear you hurting again the way you have tossed and turned and cried and screamed and felt like there was no way out. Please enjoy your life. For yourself. For Scar. For him. For me.
I will. Is it too late?
It is never too late for something that is meant to be. And as a stunning human, you are MEANT to be happy.