At least that is what it has felt like for the past couple of months. I have started a job, moved to NYC, still doing school, still trying to write here and there. Then suddenly, oh my gosh, Christmas is coming. More stuff to pile on more stuff, like my tiny Brooklyn apartment. I don’t think my entire life, both physically and mentally, has ever been so cluttered and messed. No order whatsoever. It was like I just kept falling, but not in the going down sense. Things have been negative but they have also been positive. It is more that free-falling sense of falling. Nothing on any side of you, just the winds picking up as your weight barrels down against gravity. I picked up some speed there too. It has been an interested experience to say the least.
What also made it interesting is that while I normally take big change head on and just go about attaining what I want, I do it alone. This time I did it with a husband and kid. I think all three of us need to be sainted. There is so much more to think about when you aren’t out in the world making it all about you (a skill I had and still struggle with having).
So, I would not say that it was a genuine nervous breakdown. I need no meds and I need no shrinks and I am good with leading a daily life and doing the things I need to do. I function. However, that function has been a bit wonky. That has changed a lot though in the past week. I have felt more at home than anything and there is a routine falling into place. For the first time, last night, I went to bed early after securing 2 1/2 rooms out of 4 in my apartment as being completed. I am moved in.
Coming home was extremely important to the next steps in our lives, both as a lesson in letting go and moving forward. Struggling to hold on to that bit of focus and drive even in the darkest of times. And always love. There is always love to look forward to when all else seems so hopeless. So I think it is safe to say that the nightmare has ended, like all nightmares. But unlike the usual nightmare, there was always a silver lining that ran through it that got clearer and clearer. The nervous breakdown doesn’t have me nervous anymore. In fact the breakdown should be nervous because I am coming to kick its ass.