It has been a long time. I suck. I really hated to neglect my blog because I feel like I was on a roll. It was summer and vacations and all the crazy that goes with being a parent when the weather is nice. But I am back. And I have an important topic to spill my guts about: determination.
If there is anything I have learned about myself since becoming a mother and becoming someone who has experienced near-death, it is that I am filled with more strength than I have ever given myself credit for. I am filled with an innate ability to reach for exactly what I want and take it. This isn’t secrets or Oprah book clubs. I don’t buy into that shit. I buy into me and what I am capable of. And sometimes, people need those books to help tap into it and that’s cool. But not me. I need pure, unadulterated life experience to kick me in the face over and over, only propelling me to sit back up, wipe the blood from my mouth and ask “Is that the best you can do?” In the past year, I have married the man of my dreams, raised an extremely bright child into a beautiful and quirky toddler. I have lost over 120lbs. I have changed how I treat my body. I have started a yoga regiment. I have written a book and started a second one in a series. And now. Now I am ready to make it back home to New York City.
This will be no easy task. I am sitting here shaking in my boots about all the things that can go wrong. But I have that insatiable thirst for success and I just keep pushing through, even when I feel like crumbling. I never want another piece of me to ever crumble from my soul. Never. Even when it feels that way, I just smooth it over and keep on trucking. I am trying to make this move in a month. Do people think I am crazy? Yeah. Do I think I am crazy? I would be lying if I said I wasn’t. But this is what needs to happen and this is how it is going to happen: determination.
My husband and I have so many dreams. Finishing our bachelors degrees and working our way into the creative writing world. I want to paint and draw and work on an art studio. I want my daughter to reep the benefits of all of this. I want my daughter to grow up and go to school and tell her friends of the days she spent with daddy at the computer teaching her about his busy journalist job or painting next to mommy in her studio. Playing with the kids at book signings or getting into sports or video game events with daddy’s press pass. I want her to see success. I want her to understand how hard work pays off. And I want her to know never to give up who you are or what you love in order to achieve it.
Violent determination. The only violence I will ever advocate.