Before this post conjures up images in your head of me set up by the Wonder Wheel in a Party City quality costume telling you I can read your future for $50, please have them and dispel them now in order to proceed.
I love my tarot cards.
Sitting in my living room, with Super Why and a laughing baby as my soundtrack, I finally found my voice of reason. I have always had it but it came in intellectual spurts during theological and political debates, or it came in a fury when my well-guarded feelings were threatened. But never have we spoke before today. I simply shuffled a deck of cards and allowed them to feed me insight and before I knew it, I had tapped into the very part of me that holds answers. And I don’t mean answers to deep questions like “are we alone in the universe?” And I certainly don’t mean answers as in “Will I be rich tomorrow?” I don’t take any of as fact or the telling of my future. Instead it is becoming my therapy, something I have avoided for many years.
The last time I was in therapy of any kind, I was a teenager and a freshman in college. Because drunk college freshmen with defiant personalities and deluded theories on life’s meaning totally take to therapy. I thought the whole thing was ridiculous. I thought I could handle it as it was. Letting the pendulum swing and take me on its course. Eight years later and I am just now starting to formulate where I stand in this whole “life” thing. And I suppose I needed that decade to make a shit-ton of mistakes and try a million and one ways of finding my purpose. It has led me to this moment. And I feel a strange sense of empowerment, more humble and intelligible than I have ever experienced.
I sat down on the living room floor and simply reflected on the steps I need to take to heal my anxieties and calm my extreme swings of mood. I was forced to completely let my defenses down as I discovered, through reading cards, that I have somewhere to turn to ask where I go from here. They aren’t set in stone and they aren’t telling me that I will be famous. They aren’t telling me anything I don’t already know. They are simply awakening the part of me that can control when I am sad, when I am enraged, when I am passive aggressive (or just aggressive), or when I am impatient. I understand now that I have taken some things for granted. I have sat on empty feelings, as one devours empty calories. I don’t need all that soda. I drank it because it was there. I didn’t need to spend years harping on a broken relationship with my father just because it happened. I didn’t need to dwell on every bad thing that occurred between me and some boyfriend, just because those memories are real. I wasn’t really living just existing on a cloud of resentment and frustration that bad things happened to me. And reading what I just typed now, the ever-expanding common sense part of me wants to laugh. I did that?
And this is not a post against therapy. I know people need it. There are very ugly afflictions of the mind that exist and for those people, my heart is heavy. And I have always expressed that my art is very therapeutic. But it’s the whole “chicken or the egg” deal. My art gives me spurts of clarity, but in turn, having a clearer mind to focus on the world in a creative way betters my art. And it goes round and round just like that. I needed something to put a wee halt on that cycle so I could come back to it a better person.
Religion has never worked for me. Disclaimer part deux: If it works for you, fabulous. And I truly mean it. If you have faith in anything positive that can get you through life, have at it. For every crazy fanatic, there is a good person living a moral life with the same trials and tribulations as the next person. I, personally, have never found solace in having faith in gods and saints. I know something is up there but I always felt that it was much greater than us. My prayers simply float up into a vast universe with the prayers of billions of other people. God is too marvelous to worry about us. He/she/it gave us some sort of life-energy, and along with it the will and the skills to exist and persevere, so I don’t believe they are worried about us at all (and there is a whole other blog post that I am not ready to write). If there is ignorance that is one’s choice. I chose to ignore years of pain and anger that could have been avoided, there was great “test” and there was no “unanswered prayers” or “miracles”. It is my will that was broken and only I could fix it.
Today I found a way to fix it. A way to express to myself the things that I need to change within myself. No outside influence, no delusions about telling my future, just a voice with which I can discuss how to improve myself and my growth each day. From the conflict card to the outcome card, I am creating the groundwork in order to reach the outcome on my own. I am not going to snap my fingers and be rich tomorrow because my last card said so. But I am going to identify the things that affect my financial instabilities and make better choices. Maybe then my outcome will be as positive as the cards said it would.
This was my inspiration for today and I thought I would share it with everyone. If you want to try it, awesome. If you think I am crazy but my empowerment moves you, excellent. If you want to burn me at a stake, bitch please. You’d have to fight me first. And in that, I am fully confident in a positive outcome…
(As a way to let people know when I am posting something profound and ‘deep’ [lulz here], I am going to make it part of a series called “That’s Deep, Yo”. That way you know if you will be highly moved, highly offended, a bit of both, or not in the mood. Just like to look out for my peeps.)